New house!

Don’t worry everyone, we didn’t fall off the face of the Earth. We actually fell into a really nice deal that had us move quite quickly into a new rental!

The funny thing about it is that it is an upgrade in every way – straight walls, new paint, new roof…

But what we are most excited about is that it has insulation!


Longer post to follow when I have time to sit down…


Pistols and Penises

Driving Monster back to home from his Mom’s, I had queued up some music from Hamilton, the Broadway musical. In the song, Washington on your Side, the phrase “The emperor has no clothes” comes up during one of the stanzas.

Fun times for sure.

And, if someone thinks that a musical that critically evaluates our founders politics and personal lives via multicultural rap and hip hop is inappropriate for a 4 year old… well, you’re probably right.

Monster: “Dad, why doesn’t the emperor have any clothes? That’s silly!  I mean, he would have to stay inside the house so he doesn’t show his penis to everyone!”

Me: *Hysterical Laughing*

Monster: “If the emperor needed new clothes, he would have to wear a towel to the store to hide his penis!”

I’m not exaggerating or paraphrasing at all. This exact conversation happened in the car this morning.

Now, I know what you are all thinking. You’re thinking that I’m going to talk about and juxtapose the differences between how we as a society teach our children about sex organs and how we as a society teach our children about guns

Wow. I really know you all. That’s exactly what I’m going to talk about. How did you know? Was it the post title? Man, this issue matters. It’s something that’s  so core to so many of my beliefs as a (sort of) responsible  father that it was inevitable that I would share it on here eventually. Apparently, Monster asking a question about a Broadway musical score that referenced an old fable by Hans Christian Anderson is all it took to get it in the open.

Okay. Here we go.

There’s a big problem in children’s culture. Its something I see every time I watch children’s TV, cartoon or otherwise. It’s something I see whenever I take a stroll down the toy aisle in Target. It’s something pervasive throughout children’s books, specifically boy’s books about superheroes.

Guns, violence, and Good Guys vs. Bad Guys has an unbelievably strong presence in little boy’s culture. So strong that I feel I’m fighting a losing battle with Monster when it comes to peaceful solutions. Guns go bang! Guns kill bad guys. Guns look AWESOME.  They are so much more appealing to play with and imagine with than my alternative.

I mean, talking to a four year old about how generational poverty, and imbalance of power, and lack of privilege, can cause a young person with a rough childhood to view robbery as the only way, and countering that with suggesting that we provide real solutions to poverty in our country, instead of just giving guns to everyone, is fun and all, but let’s face it – Monster is only four, and guns go Bang!

We spend so much time glorifying guns and violence, we glorify superheroes in larger-than-life situations, we even dress our kids up and let them hold play guns, but we; for some reason, are afraid to talk about basic anatomy.

We talk about penises all hush hush. No-no parts, naughty bits, privates. We project shame and a feeling of dirtiness upon our kids whenever we talk about it. The word penis even gets replaced. Willy, wee wee, etc.

Here’s something to think about. I don’t ever want my son to have to shoot someone. I don’t want him to get shot. Even if he chooses to be in the military or law enforcement, I sincerely hope that he would never have to actually take someone’s life. I think we can all agree that no one wants their child to have to kill someone else, for any reason, good or bad.

However; I want my son to use the bathroom and understand how and why his body expels waste. And I want him to not be ashamed of his body parts when he grows to the age where he is going to have sex. I sure hope he isn’t ashamed of his anatomy. I want to educate him so that he knows and is comfortable with visiting a doctor and getting regular men’s health check ups.

His genitalia are part of his anatomy as they are a part of every human being on this planet. We all have genitals, and we all use them. For many things. The activities we do with them are natural. Of course there are many codes of conduct with our genitals, especially when it comes to sharing them with people, but come on. Monster is four. That’s a battle for a few years later.

The age appropriate battle I am fighting is instilling Monster with the sense that his body is his and his own. And his anatomy – all of it – is wonderful. And beautiful. And certainly not something to ever feel shame about.

And in that light, it’s a travesty to me that we fill a kid’s brain with heroic thoughts of killing humans – something I never want Monster to have to do – but we hide and closet anatomy and genital function – something that Monster is going to do, whether I approve or not.

I am losing the battle to the no guns rule at our house. Part of that is that at his other house he’s allowed to play with guns. Part of that is what he is exposed to that I have no control over.

I know he will play with guns. I even will allow it in my house when he is older. Far be it from me to think that sheltering Monster from such a pervasive cultural force is within my power. But all I can do is hope and wish that my continued thought questions about what killing someone actually means will sink in in some way.

In the meantime, I want to assure Monster that sometimes,  just like little boys, even emperors don’t  have to wear clothes.




IMG_20160404_094252740Sometimes I have to do school work for my online degree when Monster is both with me and awake.

Such was the case that resulted in the picture to the right. This, quite clearly, is C3p0 and two Jawas discussing proper techniques of eating Dilly Bars during their official candy meeting.

Here’s what they came up with (I asked Monster for his agenda):

  1. We would like to have some Dilly Bars.
  2. I think that’s all.

Man, I wish all my meetings and agendas in the day were like that. Can you imagine how much simpler life would be if we had two item agendas? I’m about to solve world hunger and war:

  1. We would like to have equality and safety for all people, worldwide.
  2. I think that’s all.

Now, the benefit of being a LEGO character in a Star Wars meeting about candy is that, of course, you can just conjure the results of the meeting after you make a decision. In the real world, its a bit more difficult.

I think maybe world equality was safety was two lofty a goal for my first two item agenda. I totally need to start smaller, don’t I? Where should I start looking for my inspiration of how my day should go?


Oh wait… I know!

  1. I would like to have some Dilly Bars.
  2. I think that’s all.


Life, Death, and Patience

“It’s hard be patient Dad!”

“Oh yeah?  Why’s that?”

“Well I can’t hold my wild horses!”

“Oh Really? Why Not?”

“Because they’re all dead!”

Whoa. That escalated quickly.

Monster has decided that he hates patience so much that his, um, wild horses, have tragically died. In fairness, it would be hard to be patient after such a catastrophe. I have so many questions. Why are the horses wild? How did they die? Were you involved in their deaths? Technically, wouldn’t a dead horse be easier to keep still than a live one?

This situation came about when I asked Zeph to be patient while we cleaned up after dinner. There was a small bit of pouty face, followed by the highly entertaining discussion up above.It was a bit of learning experience for me too.

I learned that my sons imagination is massively original. Oh wait, I already knew that. No…

I learned that, to a kid, being told to “be patient” is akin to a customer service rep telling me as an adult to “calm down.”

And, I mean, look Carla. I just don’t want to be calm, Okay? My internet speed is less than half of what your promised me and my bill has fluctuated 3x in as many months. You’re clearly a two bit operation and frankly I am considering taking my business to another establishment unless you get me on the phone RIGHT now with someone who actually can listen to my problems and not tell me to “calm down.” Why don’t YOU calm down, CARLA? How about you stop RUINING my life and FIX MY INTERNET? I mean that IS your JOB right?

Okay, for the record, I don’t talk like this… ever. I appeal to management before I let myself vocally get that triggered. But I’ve thought it. And I bet if I’ve thought it, so has Monster. And remember, he’s 4. So, hearing “be patient” likely overloads his rage meter, hence the pouty face and dead horses.

I never got the training manual that read “Don’t verbally lash out at customer service reps.” I just had to learn that one through time and through learning what the effective methods are for getting through the maze of waiting games and menus. Same with patience for Monster. I can’t really teach him patience. I can only, on my end, set reasonable limits and time commitments and hold him to following them.

So, from here on out, I’m done with telling him to be patient. Here’s my new strategy:

“We’ll be done with dinner in 10 minutes. If you want to sit there patiently, the time will go by quickly, then we can have fun with (after dinner activity).”

I’m not asking him to be patient. I’m letting him know that it’s the best choice, but it is a choice. Dinner won’t get over any sooner with a pout face, the activity won’t start sooner (or at all) with a tantrum, but most importantly…

Monster’s wild horses may be resurrected. Or at least not die again…